Confession

- Lord, I repent for all my sins!

Those are words that started my new life. My way to God, to the faith and to who I am now was very long and thorny. Too long. Now I think that I wasted too many years, impermissible and inexcusably too many years. Moreover, the past years have merged into one picture with glimpses of vivid but disgusting memories.

*****

Here is me, a schoolgirl. The 7th grade is ending. I am going home from school in torn another's sneakers, and in the dress. We had no money: my father died from alcohol addiction, my mother has been pulling two daughters by herself. There were difficult times for many of us after USSR fell apart, but for some families, like ours, those were extremely hard times. But I was given to wear sneakers and I had this dress, my best outfit!

Here comes a classmate to me, the most beautiful girl in our class, and says:

- Do you know how to drink?

- No, - I answered.

- Me neither. But we have to pretend that we know how, - and points at a small group of boys, - they invite, let's go.

Why did I agree? I wanted to be friends with the very best and beautiful girl, and at least a little bit not to seem such a loser. And because I did not know what “to drink” is. Of course, I saw what was happening to my father. I saw that adults clink glasses, and we even were clinking glasses in games but I had no idea what alcohol is, and especially what it is fraught with. As I remember, there was a "Stopka", lemon. From yoghurt cups. We got drunk in the trash, of course. And plunged into this company. My schoolmate quickly escaped from there, but I was “stuck”.

*****

Here is me, in this company that became my circle of friends. Once, some older guys have come to our place of meeting. One of them set his eye on me, and here we are kissing. I just turned 15, I do not know how to go out with the boys. But I already slept with him. No wonder, right?

All my next years were connected with drunkenness and men whom I found after getting drunk. Of course, I smoked. In high school, we drank every Friday. I remember, we drank vodka with vodka and smoked after it. That was our having fun - to get drunk. A sign of adulthood for us, I suggest. Glimpses of consciousness occurred even when after getting drunk we were going to the disco and the boys were smoking in the subway or behaved very aggressive. I tried to stop them, but I didn't think that I have to stop myself.

Now I understand that with this behaviour I simply tried to hide my miserable situation: clothes from someone else’s shoulder, lack of money for everything, a dead apartment in which we lived and shame to bring someone there, and so on. But then I just behaved defiantly and just walked on the wild side.

*****

Here is me going to work. But I didn’t spend money on clothes, I didn’t give my mother much for food. I didn’t even want to hear about household help. A thought to pay utility bills was completely absent in the head. Disco and wine only. Isn't it, perhaps, that adult life I've dreamed about?!

Do you remember about the schoolmate, my dear reader? I did my best to prove myself that I was no worse, but also pretty, but in the wrong way. It was important to me that guys wanted to meet with me, but you understand that it was in bars, right? It is silly, of course, but it seemed to me to be very important and seemed that that's how I would get rid of the obsession. Then I started to realize that I can seduce any man. Almost any man and almost always. Only I didn’t understand the difference between having sex and relationships. I thought that behaviour and a good image are not important. Important is to undress prettier, e.g.stockings, that visible from under the skirt, skirt, barely covering the ass, neckline to the navel, make-up brighter; order a drink and I am the fire.

*****

Here I meet my future husband. 

We did not communicate, I did not even think about him. But six months later we went with our mutual friends to another city. After returning we met again. So it all began.

For many years we had been drinking together. What children? What thoughts about the future, what are you talking about?

Friday meant that there would be a bottle of wine at least. When I found a good job, then also with blue cheese. And until 2-3 a.m. I had been sticking in social media. Or at a party. Or who knows where. And I couldn't stop myself. Approximately after 8 years of such life with my husband, I began to erupt the thought that I was addicted. But it was shameful and impossible to admit publicly, and everything was going the same way.

My addiction looked like the absence of a stop-tap. That is, you seem to be a normal, adequate person, but once a glass of wine gets into the stomach you can't stop. Until you lose memory, and until morning.

At that time I had very good, but very hard work. There were a lot of activities at work, where wine flowed like a river. And I had been diving into this river headlong.

And then I began to feel that my husband had found someone. I was not sure, but his behaviour seemed very strange to me. 

With this way of life, there was deadly tiredness and I left work.

*****

And here my husband and I are in a cafe, I ask a direct question and get an answer:

- I love her. I'm sorry!

I called a friend, asked her to pick me up, gave my husband the keys and left. Right from there, from the table in the cafe, where I peacefully was drinking a bottle of wine.

What was in the next few days, I do not even want to remember. I can't remember such black days in my life. This pain of separation was physical. And I was melting it in the usual way, multiplied by 10.

On some day, my sister went to the bathroom, where I was crying, told me about the clairvoyant. He told her a few weeks ago that I would have problems with my family. And that if I would come, God could help me. I agreed.

*****

Here is the new period of my life has begun. God showed the clairvoyant that we are destined to live with a husband for a long time, to a very old age. But then it seemed to be unreal.

Here is me standing in front of the icons and repenting. And since then there wasn't a day that the pictures of my past did not flash in my memory, and there wasn't a day that I did not say in my mind: "Lord, I repent!"

For all previous time, the friends in my luggage diminished. Well, who would want to see at the party a fast-drunk lady who behaves provocatively and uncontrollably?

I had to revise my views on life. The Lord healed me from addiction, I have no unbridled desire to drink. But I know that I can't do this even in small doses, because addiction would return again.

After 9 months, my husband asked me to forgive him and start all over again. But the question is who's to blame more.

*****

And now, after many years of mistakes, resentment and forgiveness, our son is sleeping near us, and I am melting with happiness. It may be hard for me at times, but I have faith. And, if you live as the Lord has commanded us, and if you do His will, everything will work out.

My path was not easy, but I am glad that it all happened. Otherwise, I don't know what it would all lead to. And you know, my dear reader, I carefully keep the pain from the words "I love her. I'm sorry" and sometimes I force myself to experience it again and again. Because this pain reminds me of what my life was before the Faith, and what it can become again at any moment.

This doesn't mean that my test of faith has ended. No way. Sometimes it's even harder for me. And I don’t know what awaits me after death, because I have done so much that I still can't understand why Lord forgave me?

But I want to believe, my reader, that my story will serve someone as a lesson. Let it be at least a motivation to go to the pages of this The Way's Book to find God and, perhaps, the eternal life.